


Guilty Pleasures

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 16:45:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13594227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: After rescuing Lister from the Jadoo GELF’s, Rimmer has a bone to pick with him.A remix of Cazflib’s sublime “Hell Hath No Fury (Like A Hologram Scorned)”





	Guilty Pleasures

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Hell Hath No Fury (Like a Hologram Scorned)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12188871) by [cazflibs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazflibs/pseuds/cazflibs). 



“You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?” Rimmer said peevishly, as Starbug zipped back to Red Dwarf.  
“What are you talking about?”  
“Don’t give me that. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”  
“Are you insinuating this was somehow my fault?” Lister asked, his voice balanced precisely between innocence and indignation.  
“I’m not _insinuating_ anything. I’m telling you outright that I know your game, miladdo, and it stops now. Is that clear?”  
“Hey, don’t yell at me. I’m the victim here.”  
“ _Again_.”  
“What’s that s’posed to mean?”

Rimmer glared at him, “That’s the third time you’ve been captured by GELF’s this month.”  
“I know! And it’s been very traumatic, if you don’t mind.”  
“Funny how it just keeps happening, wouldn’t you say?”  
“It’s not my fault we’re stuck in a hostile universe populated by various species who have beef with humanity.”  
“No, but it’s your fault they keep catching you.”  
“Oh, here we go,” Lister rolled his eyes and put his feet up on the console, “Here comes the lecture. “If you were healthier you’d be able to outrun the bad guys, blah, blah, blah”. This has nothing to do with my smoking, okay?”  
“Actually, you’re right. It doesn’t. This has to do with you deliberately putting yourself in danger for kicks.”

Lister assumed an expression of almost believable outrage. “You really think I would do that?!”  
“I don’t think it, Squire. I know it.”  
“I am appalled and offended. You realise I could have _died_ back there?”  
“Yes, I do. I’m wondering if you really understand that.”  
“Of course I do.”  
“Then stop pissing about.”  
“I can’t believe you think I would be stupid enough to get myself kidnapped on purpose, man.”  
“I didn’t believe it either until I saw the security footage.”  
Lister looked shifty suddenly, “What security footage?”

Rimmer eyed him meaningfully. “The footage of you getting captured this morning. The footage where you tiptoed -and I use the term loosely- past that pack of Jadoo’s not just once but _twice_.”  
“I couldn’t find another way past!”  
“And then, when they _still_ didn’t notice you, you deliberately dropped your bazookoid on the floor!”  
“It was an accident!”  
“It very blatantly was not. You even waited until you were sure they’d seen you before you started to run away,” Rimmer said sternly. “If you can actually call that running.”  
“Look, even if I did do it on purpose - and I’m not saying I did - what are you so worried about? It’s not like you can’t handle these situations.”  
“If I wanted all that nonsense, I wouldn’t have retired.”  
“No harm in keeping your skills sharp.”  
“I’m not getting any younger, you know.”  
“Rimsy, you’re a hologram. You’re not getting any older either, man.”  
“Be that as it may, the fact is I am not infallible. You can’t be certain I’m always going to save the day, and I’m not having you putting us all in danger for cheap thrills. Understood?”  
“Hmph,” Lister grunted grudgingly.  
“You know Kryten’s almost short-circuited from the stress. He doesn’t have the same level of faith in me that you do. It’s not fair on him either.”  
“Like that bothers you.”  
“Of course it bothers me. It’s annoying. Have you heard the way he wails when he’s worried about you? It’s worse than Cat sharpening his nails on a blackboard.”  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright,” Lister muttered guiltily, “I’ll be more careful.”

  
Rimmer glanced sideways at him, and his voice softened. “It’s not that I don’t understand where you’re coming from,” he admitted. “I know that first time was rather...thrilling. The drama, the excitement, the adrenaline...”  
He saw Lister’s scowl melt into a wistful smile. “The romance...”  
“That’s stretching it a bit.”  
“Well, I thought it was romantic. Remember that bit where you picked me up and jumped through the window?”  
“There were people shooting at us!”  
“I know,” Lister grinned and wiggled his feet happily, “It was brilliant. You in your old gold jacket, playing the dashing hero and swinging me up over your shoulder.”  
Rimmer blushed and smirked smugly, “I admit it was all very exhilarating, but we can’t go risking life and limb every time you start feeling frisky. It’s smegging ridiculous. There have got to be other less lethal ways of spicing up the old mattress mambo.”  
Lister sighed dramatically, “I suppose.”  
“ _No_.”  
“No what? I didn’t say anything!”  
“I know that look! We’re _not_ doing that again.”  
“Fine,” Lister huddled down sulkily in his seat, arms folded.

After a moment of silence, Rimmer looked over at him exasperated. “Oh, alright. But this time we check properly first that the batteries are fully charged and the blancmange is properly set.”  
“Actually, I was thinking of something else.” Lister leaned over and whispered conspiratorially in Rimmer’s ear. He reddened. “Really?”  
Lister bit his lip seductively and nodded. Rimmer turned back to the controls, and set the turbos to max. Starbug powered forward, groaning under the strain of sudden acceleration, and pinning them back in their seats.  
“What happened to not risking life and limb for a cheap thrill?” Lister raised an eyebrow.  
“Starbug can take the strain. And forget life and limb, I’m not risking you changing your mind before we get back.”

Lister shook his head and turned back to look out the windscreen, “I knew it was a mistake to get you riled up before your morning cuppa.”


End file.
